I spent my life relentlessly telling myself that I didn’t need a dad anyways, I wouldn’t want one even if I had a choice. There was absolutely no going against that, I could take care of myself and I didn’t need nobody.
Why would I miss being taken care of by someone who never even wanted to do that for me in the first place? More importantly, how on earth would I have issues from someone being absent when I barely had any contact with them?
Credits to my stubborn ego for running away from every mental health professional who threw the classic Freudian ‘you have daddy issues’ at me. Don’t get me wrong I REVERE Freud, this just wasn’t applicable to me- I was a tough one ya’ll.
If you knew me as a kid,
you’re probably saying- ‘ no kidding Einstein’ because my heart would land on ANY guy who was kind to me and this was completely out of my control. I had no damned idea why I couldn’t last a few days without becoming a mini female version of unrequited Juliet. I wanted the feminine side of me to be validated.
However, as a kid all I knew was that I wanted love and I felt like I was being starved of it. Slowly as time passed and I dealt with several heart breaks, It made my heart stone cold and I lied to myself that I didn’t even like guys that way. I started denying what the feminine in me wanted and needed, it was better to ignore those needs than to have that side of me rejected over and over again.
All sorts of qualified and non-qualified people told me I had issues because of my experience of my dad bailing out. I didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want to feel weak. In my experience men leave and I had trained myself mentally and physically to be able to live without one.
Overtime I started developing healthy friendships with caring guys, I slowly taught myself to accept help when I needed it and someone genuinely wanted to help.
I realized I had a pattern of falling for guys who I knew wouldn’t be able to love me back and I didn’t like accepting help from guys not because I hated them.
I just didn’t want to feel how it feels to be cared for by a guy because I would then be face to face with what I’ve been trying to push away all my life.
I would have to admit to myself how assuring it really feels, to be taken care of and protected and loved for once. I would also have to accept how much I really wanted it and missed out on it.
You’re not weak
You’re not weak for admitting you needed something, You’re weak when you refuse to face your feelings.
After I accepted those feelings, I felt ashamed of myself for needing someone who wasn’t there for me. The truth is, you didn’t need that person who couldn’t be a man enough to be the kind of dad you needed.
You needed a man who was capable of being a real dad, and you needed this as a kid. Now all you need is yourself.
Girls with absent or emotionally or physically unavailable or abusive dads grow up to be strong women who know how to be emotionally and practically self reliant, and there is nothing negative about this.
All we need to do is teach ourselves to accept the kind of love and care that we desire and most importantly, to accept ourselves.
Pathway to healing
It is simple really. We grow up feeling our feminine side has been rejected or is of no use to our survival, and end up rejecting it ourselves. We also end up adopting a more masculine outlook, not that there is anything wrong with that.
As older versions of ourselves, we need to learn to be okay with all aspects of our being. We need to learn to feel safe with being more expressive of our feminine sides, and also validating ourselves as a whole no matter who rejects it.
You deserve to be loved and taken care of just the way you would love and take care of somebody else.
You need to be fiercely you,
you need to boldly feel all that your soul wants you to feel,
you need to grieve the loss of the dad you deserved
and then pick yourself up
AND BE THE DAD YOU DESERVE.